This week has led me to reflect on some of the unique trials and experiences I have had this last year. I found myself drawn very inward on the 13th. It was a special day to me, and also a very sad one. Many don't know this, but before I had my battle with a serious infection last year, I was pregnant. Just before we realized something was wrong, I miscarried. The 13th of March was my due date. As I ran around the park after my almost-two-year-old, I couldn't help but imagine the firm kicks of a baby in my belly. I found myself wondering again why things had to happen that way. I do think it was mercy, that we lost the baby before surgery. If we hadn't, then it would have been taken. Still, in my mother's heart I felt painfully aware that something had indeed gone missing.
Eventually, I began trying to retrieve myself from that painful place in my memories. You see, being a stay at home mom oftentimes leaves you feeling like a broken record. Here in my home, alone with my child and my thoughts, it is the most emotional memories, be they sad or happy, that resurface and keep me company during my daily activities.
While pondering that pain of loss, and also trying to grasp the joy of the present, I recalled a quote from October general conference, in which President Thomas S. Monson said something to the effect of, "trials and tribulations are universal". You see, we often forget that the cracks and crevaces of every life are filled with untold things; wounds, regrets, pain, unanswered questions, the list goes on. The point is, everyone has had to, or will need to, recover from something that is too personal, too painful, and too deep to fully describe or even understand. Having experienced severe physical pain, and all the emotional trauma that follows, I have learned something that I find quite profound.
You see, it is very easy for us to imagine that once severe physical pain and suffering has ended, that all the good feelings and emotions and abilities come rushing back in to fill up the aching and empty space that has been left void inside of us. But this is not how it goes. (Something I really didn't know before it happened to me). You see, once grief has carved a canyon inside of you, it becomes your job to go along behind it and fill up those jagged walls with something new and beautiful and healing. This is an arduous task that I personally have been dealing with for about 5 months straight now.
For example, not a day goes by that I don't remember being wheeled away from my loved ones, down a dimly lit hall, and then laid on a cold steel operating table with a dozen unfamiliar, masked faces looking down at me with such seriousness. I remember waking up in an unfamiliar place, filled with pain and feeling overwhelmed by the state I was in. The following weeks were filled in equal portions with bitter and sweet. And I couldn't help but cry out, "Why me?" I'm sure we have all experienced this at some point in our lives.
I cannot forget the terrible pain and fear and uncertainty that filled me for so long, both from pain of loss and pain of sickness. I still wonder, what was it all for? It is times like this, when the storm is passed and what remains are scars and memories, that I have begun to try and show more gratitude for my blessings. There are so very many. In this way, the painful things have gained a purpose; they help us recognize the good that most certainly exists. Am I grateful for pain? No, not really. (Don't judge! Achieving of perfection way in progress here). But I am grateful that pain and sickness and healing have run their course. Now I have the opportunity to rebuild those parts of myself that were broken and make them stronger and better than they were.
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Sunday, October 27, 2013
We are more....
In the recent past I have faced a strange new challenge, which many of you are likely aware of. It all began with a small bump on my left arm above the elbow. The bump revealed itself in time to be a seriously infected absess, which later relocated to my upper arm and right leg. Three surgeries, two months, seven different prescriptions, and at least a dozen doctors later, I still have no answer for what is happening to my body or why.
The best advice my surgeon and wound care physician could offer is to rest as much as possible, avoid using my arm and leg, and eat enough fruits and vegetable to sink a ship. (They lied about that last part, we surpassed ship-sinking maybe 30 days ago.....) So in the meantime I have found myself living a completely different pace of life. On a normal day, my pre-sick self would be up and running after my 15 month old son. We would bake food and spend hours enjoying it together, take long walks along the tiny streets that weave through our town, play for hours at the park and enjoy the sunlight, play the piano and occasionally, snuggle up and feel the soft embrace of my child. Suddenly these things are not allowed. I am not allowed to pick up my son, to do anything the tires me, to use my arm, to run, to let my baby sit on my leg, or even linger in the sunshine.
Most of my time has been spent in bed or on the couch, resting, pondering, and sleeping. (The sleeping is due entirely to these nifty things call pain killers. I have decided I like them). A more recent past time that I have adopted is to try listening to general conference talks more frequently. The other day I heard a talk by Jeffrey R. Holland and he stated, "We are infinitely more than our afflictions and our infirmities....." I have pondered this all week. There are so many different kinds of sicknesses; mental, physical, emotional, spiritual. And through out my entire trial I have faced one significant challenge; I remain undiagnosed. No one seems to know what is wrong with my body. Where did this infection or sorts come from? When will it go away? Can it be cured? How many more surgeries will I need? The list goes on. I have come to accept that while life is full of frustrating situations, I can still find peace despite the struggles. Life is frustrating, but I don't have to be frustrated. Sometimes, when you are in a trial with no answers, and little certainty of what is to come, you must grit your teeth, clench your fists, and lean forward with whatever strength you have, straining against the rain, wind, and down right continental-sized road blocks that are before you. At times I have found myself with less strength and will power and hope than I ever believed I would. And like anyone who has passed through trial, I have looked to the sky and cried, "why me? Why won't it stop raining on me?" As I revisit and try to rise above the depressive nature of sickness, I have reminded myself often of Holland's quote. And when I feel so sad, I tell myself, "I am more than my sickness, I am more than my infection, I am more than my surgeries, my limitations, and my lack of understanding. I. Am. More."I still have no answers for what is happening, or why, or how long. But I do know that I will be well again one day, I will do again the things that bring me such immense joy. For now, I get through by remembering that while I feel small, I am certainly more than this.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
R.e.s.p.e.c.t
Hi all,
I felt a strong need to write my feelings about respect, today. It seems like everywhere we turn someone is blaring loud, vulgar, and degrading things.Even social media networks are being used as hateful platforms for people to disrespect and mock each others religious and cultural beliefs. The headlines tell stories of broken homes, broken hearts, and the failing facets of home and society. The mistakes of others are all we hear about. Does anyone ever turn of their TV/computer and feel like crying? I know that I do. You all know that I am a member of the LDS church. My beliefs have taught me to respect everyone around me, despite our differences, WHATEVER they may be. This is a challenge that all members of the church face daily, especially when popular beliefs are increasingly polarized from our own. But I have chosen to look at each person as a child of God, because I believe that we are all part of the same great heritage. This means that while we all have our differences, we each deserve mutual love and respect from one another. I don't want to stand on a soap box and tell you what I think I am doing right, or what society is doing wrong. But I DO KNOW that when respect is given, it will be returned somewhere down the road. It's not our job to judge one another, it's our responsibility to love and RESPECT one another. We may not agree, we may stand on different sides of the field, etc. But I believe that there is a Father in Heaven who is fair, who knows us all perfectly, and who will stand with us when we accept his invitation to love everyone the way that Christ did. This is my mission in life; to love the way that the Savior taught us to. So please, whatever our differences may be, choose to show compassion and love instead of cynicism and hate. I won't judge you, because that's not my job. But if you let me, I will show love to everyone that I can.
I felt a strong need to write my feelings about respect, today. It seems like everywhere we turn someone is blaring loud, vulgar, and degrading things.Even social media networks are being used as hateful platforms for people to disrespect and mock each others religious and cultural beliefs. The headlines tell stories of broken homes, broken hearts, and the failing facets of home and society. The mistakes of others are all we hear about. Does anyone ever turn of their TV/computer and feel like crying? I know that I do. You all know that I am a member of the LDS church. My beliefs have taught me to respect everyone around me, despite our differences, WHATEVER they may be. This is a challenge that all members of the church face daily, especially when popular beliefs are increasingly polarized from our own. But I have chosen to look at each person as a child of God, because I believe that we are all part of the same great heritage. This means that while we all have our differences, we each deserve mutual love and respect from one another. I don't want to stand on a soap box and tell you what I think I am doing right, or what society is doing wrong. But I DO KNOW that when respect is given, it will be returned somewhere down the road. It's not our job to judge one another, it's our responsibility to love and RESPECT one another. We may not agree, we may stand on different sides of the field, etc. But I believe that there is a Father in Heaven who is fair, who knows us all perfectly, and who will stand with us when we accept his invitation to love everyone the way that Christ did. This is my mission in life; to love the way that the Savior taught us to. So please, whatever our differences may be, choose to show compassion and love instead of cynicism and hate. I won't judge you, because that's not my job. But if you let me, I will show love to everyone that I can.
Monday, November 19, 2012
A new Newsletter
Hi all,
this week I would like to talk about an exciting announcement! Recently in my ward, the Ashland OR ward, I was asked to serve as the communications specialist. This entails the management of a newsletter that is sent out to hundreds of women via paper and email. I would like to offer the email address for any of you who may be interested in subscribing. We don't charge you anything! It is only a few pages long, filled with uplifting insights from local women and announcements about humanitarian, service, and enrichment activities that all occur locally.
ashlandsister2sister@gmail.com
Simply email us from your own address and we will send you a copy of our new edition each month.
I hope you will take advantage of this as a tool for personal enrichment, as well as a method of connecting with women in your community.
Thank you!
Cierra
this week I would like to talk about an exciting announcement! Recently in my ward, the Ashland OR ward, I was asked to serve as the communications specialist. This entails the management of a newsletter that is sent out to hundreds of women via paper and email. I would like to offer the email address for any of you who may be interested in subscribing. We don't charge you anything! It is only a few pages long, filled with uplifting insights from local women and announcements about humanitarian, service, and enrichment activities that all occur locally.
ashlandsister2sister@gmail.com
Simply email us from your own address and we will send you a copy of our new edition each month.
I hope you will take advantage of this as a tool for personal enrichment, as well as a method of connecting with women in your community.
Thank you!
Cierra
Monday, October 29, 2012
How Much is Your Time Really Worth?
Hey all,
I wanted to share some thoughts I've recently had about my experiences as a new mom. As children we are all taught to prioritize, to make the most of our time and it's valuable capital. This habit is drilled so deeply into some of us, that we become OCD checklisters. Every task is an opportunity for success; an additional gold star we can place on our daily report card. But what happens when we have to experience a change in pace? For some, a kind of culture shock ensues when forced to kiss the fast paced race track good bye. No more clean white lines, freshly mowed grass, or crowds who would cheer you on as you sped through your mile marks with long easy strides. Now you are in the slow lane, your legs are hobbled, and their is a gaggle of small manufactured items sprawling at your feet. Certainly, you are still mobile. Mind you, sometimes crawling, crab-walking, rolling, or hopping on one foot - sometimes all at the same time - but still inching forward each day.
This monumental change in life style can be a devastating shock, and a crippling disappointment for many. How can you come to terms with the fact that your life is irrevocably altered? Now that I have joined the ranks of the hobbled, I find myself with more time to ponder and self reflect than I have ever had before. For the record, I use the term "hobbled" only as a binary to "fast-paced". Not to say that motherhood is disabling, or harmful to the soul! But it certainly is a complete change from the life style that I have known. But I can only speak for myself. Prior to pregnancy and giving birth, I had the tendency of whizzing around, circling the globe several times a day at top speeds; hair flying check marks popping up all over.
And yet, I have found tremendous joy in running on this new track. (More like crab-walking most days...) At first being stuck to the couch, or bed, or chair, with a flailing, nursing, diaper-clad boy was neither fun nor rewarding. Ouch. You mean, I have to nurse him every time he is hungry? And change the diaper too? :/ But these are the realities of motherhood. It's a messy business. And at the same time, it can be incredibly rewarding. I was not aware of this silver lining when I first landed in the big sticky cloud that is motherhood. After weeks of late nights, early mornings, little sleep, and lots of other new experiences, I have had an epiphany; my time IS being well-spent.
From my understanding, most of motherhood consists of this very thing; overcoming the feeling that our time is wasted or that we accomplish little in life. But what did you expect? When your baby is young, you spend half of your time nursing him, and most of the other half RECOVERING from nursing him. And so it goes until they are grown - (and to my knowledge, NO ONE had found a short cut around this lengthy task....... yet.)Meanwhile, you are giving life every day, all day, to someone who desperately needs YOUR love, attention, help, knowledge, strength, devotion, and every other quality you developed while circling the globe.
So moms, if you are reading this, do yourself a favor; be happy, because your time IS well spent. You are needed, you are loved, and you are irreplaceable. Never doubt that.
I wanted to share some thoughts I've recently had about my experiences as a new mom. As children we are all taught to prioritize, to make the most of our time and it's valuable capital. This habit is drilled so deeply into some of us, that we become OCD checklisters. Every task is an opportunity for success; an additional gold star we can place on our daily report card. But what happens when we have to experience a change in pace? For some, a kind of culture shock ensues when forced to kiss the fast paced race track good bye. No more clean white lines, freshly mowed grass, or crowds who would cheer you on as you sped through your mile marks with long easy strides. Now you are in the slow lane, your legs are hobbled, and their is a gaggle of small manufactured items sprawling at your feet. Certainly, you are still mobile. Mind you, sometimes crawling, crab-walking, rolling, or hopping on one foot - sometimes all at the same time - but still inching forward each day.
This monumental change in life style can be a devastating shock, and a crippling disappointment for many. How can you come to terms with the fact that your life is irrevocably altered? Now that I have joined the ranks of the hobbled, I find myself with more time to ponder and self reflect than I have ever had before. For the record, I use the term "hobbled" only as a binary to "fast-paced". Not to say that motherhood is disabling, or harmful to the soul! But it certainly is a complete change from the life style that I have known. But I can only speak for myself. Prior to pregnancy and giving birth, I had the tendency of whizzing around, circling the globe several times a day at top speeds; hair flying check marks popping up all over.
And yet, I have found tremendous joy in running on this new track. (More like crab-walking most days...) At first being stuck to the couch, or bed, or chair, with a flailing, nursing, diaper-clad boy was neither fun nor rewarding. Ouch. You mean, I have to nurse him every time he is hungry? And change the diaper too? :/ But these are the realities of motherhood. It's a messy business. And at the same time, it can be incredibly rewarding. I was not aware of this silver lining when I first landed in the big sticky cloud that is motherhood. After weeks of late nights, early mornings, little sleep, and lots of other new experiences, I have had an epiphany; my time IS being well-spent.
From my understanding, most of motherhood consists of this very thing; overcoming the feeling that our time is wasted or that we accomplish little in life. But what did you expect? When your baby is young, you spend half of your time nursing him, and most of the other half RECOVERING from nursing him. And so it goes until they are grown - (and to my knowledge, NO ONE had found a short cut around this lengthy task....... yet.)Meanwhile, you are giving life every day, all day, to someone who desperately needs YOUR love, attention, help, knowledge, strength, devotion, and every other quality you developed while circling the globe.
So moms, if you are reading this, do yourself a favor; be happy, because your time IS well spent. You are needed, you are loved, and you are irreplaceable. Never doubt that.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
A Beautiful Thing
Hi there,
I guess I lied in my last post. Which was a long time ago. I recall saying something to the effect of, "I will post more often from now on....". Definitely a fail! But I have a very good excuse, it's even better than my last one. :) I had a baby! Now you may smile and cheer, and give me thumbs up.
A lot of you have asked how it went. Many of you have heard. But I wanted to recap some of it, so that I could share this experience with anyone else who might not have been filled in.
Because Jason and I were working in northern California all summer, we were concerned about the three hour long, windy car ride to the hospital. The hazardous HWY 96 is packed with wildlife, falling rocks, falling trees, crazy drivers, and plenty of other tricky things. For these reasons, we asked my OB to induce labor.
On the night of Saturday, July 21, 2012, we went to RVMC to begin the labor process. The hooked me up to a saline drip and gave me cytotech, a pill that ripens the cervix. They also gave me a sleeping pill, which they said would help me sleep through the contractions which cytotech would most likely induce. Well, guess what? IT BROUGHT ON THE CONTRACTIONS. So much so that I could not sleep, even with the sleeping pill in my system. So I was beyond exhausted and very frustrated that I hadn't had any rest the night before delivering a baby.
On Sunday morning my parents came and brought me goodies. Praise to mom and dad for seeing that my labor was fueled by strawberry smoothies. You rock.
The contractions increased in length and intensity throughout the morning. By noon I felt myself reaching pain levels that I had never imagined. Girls, ENJOY your period cramps because someday, the real pain arrives and you will be praying for those menstrual fiends to come back. Trust me.
My birthing plan had been to wait as long as possible and then maybe ask for an epidural. When the time came, I felt like it was right for me. So I asked for one.
Once the epidural set in, I felt so much better. And, to be honest, I am really glad I did it. In birthing class we hear about the potential side effects of the epidural, and our well-intending nurses often discourage them.
I'm not trying to say that an epidural is the answer to labor pains, or that those who choose natural birth are wackos psyched out on labor adrenaline. From my experience, it is a personal choice that every mother should be allowed to make without fear of criticism. Every body, every baby, and every delivery is different. Give mother the courtesy of being allowed to make their own decision about what is best for them and their baby.
I received my epidural at 1:30, and by 4:15 I was pushing. At 4:38 Zach was born. Naturally, I cried like ninny and was loopy from exhaustion (not from the epidural!). Having the epidural allowed me to focus mentally and physically as I delivered. I could still feel my muscles engaged as I pushed. I didn't feel numbed, but I felt relieved and in control. To me, that made all the difference. I recall the experience so clearly, and that's because I wasn't distracted by pain.
Of course, I realize that everyone experiences pain in a different way, and for some mothers, and epidural would not have gone over as well as mine did. I am grateful that I was able to have one without side effects and I encourage mothers to consider them.
On Tuesday, July 24th we brought Zach home from the hospital. For two months now we have been blessed by this little boy. He is smarter, wiser, and more commanding than both Jason and I combined. He's cuter too, but we can forgive him all of that. :)
It's true what they say; you forget the pain once the baby arrives. But don't let that scare you, because like all good things, it is worth the sacrifice. Forget the pain, and embrace the experience.
I guess I lied in my last post. Which was a long time ago. I recall saying something to the effect of, "I will post more often from now on....". Definitely a fail! But I have a very good excuse, it's even better than my last one. :) I had a baby! Now you may smile and cheer, and give me thumbs up.
A lot of you have asked how it went. Many of you have heard. But I wanted to recap some of it, so that I could share this experience with anyone else who might not have been filled in.
Because Jason and I were working in northern California all summer, we were concerned about the three hour long, windy car ride to the hospital. The hazardous HWY 96 is packed with wildlife, falling rocks, falling trees, crazy drivers, and plenty of other tricky things. For these reasons, we asked my OB to induce labor.
On the night of Saturday, July 21, 2012, we went to RVMC to begin the labor process. The hooked me up to a saline drip and gave me cytotech, a pill that ripens the cervix. They also gave me a sleeping pill, which they said would help me sleep through the contractions which cytotech would most likely induce. Well, guess what? IT BROUGHT ON THE CONTRACTIONS. So much so that I could not sleep, even with the sleeping pill in my system. So I was beyond exhausted and very frustrated that I hadn't had any rest the night before delivering a baby.
On Sunday morning my parents came and brought me goodies. Praise to mom and dad for seeing that my labor was fueled by strawberry smoothies. You rock.
The contractions increased in length and intensity throughout the morning. By noon I felt myself reaching pain levels that I had never imagined. Girls, ENJOY your period cramps because someday, the real pain arrives and you will be praying for those menstrual fiends to come back. Trust me.
My birthing plan had been to wait as long as possible and then maybe ask for an epidural. When the time came, I felt like it was right for me. So I asked for one.
Once the epidural set in, I felt so much better. And, to be honest, I am really glad I did it. In birthing class we hear about the potential side effects of the epidural, and our well-intending nurses often discourage them.
I'm not trying to say that an epidural is the answer to labor pains, or that those who choose natural birth are wackos psyched out on labor adrenaline. From my experience, it is a personal choice that every mother should be allowed to make without fear of criticism. Every body, every baby, and every delivery is different. Give mother the courtesy of being allowed to make their own decision about what is best for them and their baby.
I received my epidural at 1:30, and by 4:15 I was pushing. At 4:38 Zach was born. Naturally, I cried like ninny and was loopy from exhaustion (not from the epidural!). Having the epidural allowed me to focus mentally and physically as I delivered. I could still feel my muscles engaged as I pushed. I didn't feel numbed, but I felt relieved and in control. To me, that made all the difference. I recall the experience so clearly, and that's because I wasn't distracted by pain.
Of course, I realize that everyone experiences pain in a different way, and for some mothers, and epidural would not have gone over as well as mine did. I am grateful that I was able to have one without side effects and I encourage mothers to consider them.
On Tuesday, July 24th we brought Zach home from the hospital. For two months now we have been blessed by this little boy. He is smarter, wiser, and more commanding than both Jason and I combined. He's cuter too, but we can forgive him all of that. :)
It's true what they say; you forget the pain once the baby arrives. But don't let that scare you, because like all good things, it is worth the sacrifice. Forget the pain, and embrace the experience.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
White Cloud Press
Hello folks!
I wanted to let you know about an exciting internship that I have been working on this term. I am working with Steve Scholl, founder of White Cloud Press, to start a brand new website/blog. The name of the site is "This Week with God". The purpose of the site is to discuss current worldwide religious and spiritual events, article, news, and products. My role is to help manage site content and offer a stylistic touch! It has been a rough start so far, since the web administration has not been smooth. But thanks to help from friends at Dot.Com Jungle, we are now charging ahead.
If you are interested, the site will be a gerat forum for public discussion and education. Please check it out. The site is still in prep phase, but will be available in the next two weeks. Let me know what you think!
'This Week With God' via Wordpress.com
I wanted to let you know about an exciting internship that I have been working on this term. I am working with Steve Scholl, founder of White Cloud Press, to start a brand new website/blog. The name of the site is "This Week with God". The purpose of the site is to discuss current worldwide religious and spiritual events, article, news, and products. My role is to help manage site content and offer a stylistic touch! It has been a rough start so far, since the web administration has not been smooth. But thanks to help from friends at Dot.Com Jungle, we are now charging ahead.
If you are interested, the site will be a gerat forum for public discussion and education. Please check it out. The site is still in prep phase, but will be available in the next two weeks. Let me know what you think!
'This Week With God' via Wordpress.com
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