We are more....

In the recent past I have faced a strange new challenge, which many of you are likely aware of. It all began with a small bump on my left arm above the elbow. The bump revealed itself in time to be a seriously infected absess, which later relocated to my upper arm and right leg. Three surgeries, two months, seven different prescriptions, and at least a dozen doctors later, I still have no answer for what is happening to my body or why. 

The best advice my surgeon and wound care physician could offer is to rest as much as possible, avoid using my arm and leg, and eat enough fruits and vegetable to sink a ship. (They lied about that last part, we surpassed ship-sinking maybe 30 days ago.....) So in the meantime I have found myself living a completely different pace of life. On a normal day, my pre-sick self would be up and running after my 15 month old son. We would bake food and spend hours enjoying it together, take long walks along the tiny streets that weave through our town, play for hours at the park and enjoy the sunlight, play the piano and occasionally, snuggle up and feel the soft embrace of my child. Suddenly these things are not allowed. I am not allowed to pick up my son, to do anything the tires me, to use my arm, to run, to let my baby sit on my leg, or even linger in the sunshine.

Most of my time has been spent in bed or on the couch, resting, pondering, and sleeping. (The sleeping is due entirely to these nifty things call pain killers. I have decided I like them). A more recent past time that I have adopted is to try listening to general conference talks more frequently. The other day I heard a talk by Jeffrey R. Holland and he stated, "We are infinitely more than our afflictions and our infirmities....." I have pondered this all week. There are so many different kinds of sicknesses; mental, physical, emotional, spiritual. And through out my entire trial I have faced one significant challenge; I remain undiagnosed. No one seems to know what is wrong with my body. Where did this infection or sorts come from? When will it go away? Can it be cured? How many more surgeries will I need? The list goes on. I have come to accept that while life is full of frustrating situations, I can still find peace despite the struggles. Life is frustrating, but I don't have to be frustrated. Sometimes, when you are in a trial with no answers, and little certainty of what is to come, you must grit your teeth, clench your fists, and lean forward with whatever strength you have, straining against the rain, wind, and down right continental-sized road blocks that are before you. At times I have found myself with less strength and will power and hope than I ever believed I would. And like anyone who has passed through trial, I have looked to the sky and cried, "why me? Why won't it stop raining on me?" As I revisit and try to rise above the depressive nature of sickness, I have reminded myself often of Holland's quote. And when I feel so sad, I tell myself, "I am more than my sickness, I am more than my infection, I am more than my surgeries, my limitations, and my lack of understanding. I. Am. More."I still have no answers for what is happening, or why, or how long. But I do know that I will be well again one day, I will do again the things that bring me such immense joy. For now, I get through by remembering that while I feel small, I am certainly more than this.

R.e.s.p.e.c.t

Hi all,
I felt a strong need to write my feelings about respect, today. It seems like everywhere we turn someone is blaring loud, vulgar, and degrading things.Even social media networks are being used as hateful platforms for people to disrespect and mock each others religious and cultural beliefs. The headlines tell stories of broken homes, broken hearts, and the failing facets of home and society. The mistakes of others are all we hear about. Does anyone ever turn of their TV/computer and feel like crying? I know that I do. You all know that I am a member of the LDS church. My beliefs have taught me to respect everyone around me, despite our differences, WHATEVER they may be. This is a challenge that all members of the church face daily, especially when popular beliefs are increasingly polarized from our own. But I have chosen to look at each person as a child of God, because I believe that we are all part of the same great heritage. This means that while we all have our differences, we each deserve mutual love and respect from one another. I don't want to stand on a soap box and tell you what I think I am doing right, or what society is doing wrong. But I DO KNOW that when respect is given, it will be returned somewhere down the road. It's not our job to judge one another, it's our responsibility to love and RESPECT one another. We may not agree, we may stand on different sides of the field, etc. But I believe that there is a Father in Heaven who is fair, who knows us all perfectly, and who will stand with us when we accept his invitation to love everyone the way that Christ did. This is my mission in life; to love the way that the Savior taught us to. So please, whatever our differences may be, choose to show compassion and love instead of cynicism and hate. I won't judge you, because that's not my job. But if you let me, I will show love to everyone that I can.